Alexx Arson

Aug 01

Well its August 1st that means all summer I’ve done nothing and the summer is almost gone. I have this last month to make it fun, crazy, wild, and memorable. I remember thinking how I was gonna make summer my bitch back in 2012 yeah well hard times came along and what I loved about that summer was that I learned a great deal about who I was and what I can overcome, summer 2013 I was able to have a blast back there in Chico. The people in my life back then made my summer exciting and enjoyable. Now, I’m in Fresno this big, flat city looking to get into the action. So far the summer has been moving to Fresno, living in as motel for a week, living in apartment with a friend who seems to be a stranger, trips to the library to search for jobs, and feeling alone. This is all so fucking boring to me. I look back at on how far I’ve come while on this journey and I have little to no fun and great stories to tell. I’ve been working too much, living from paycheck to paycheck, and I have no one to hang out with, I haven’t gotten out of the house for a long while. I’m not having it its time to change things around. I don’t know what life has in store for me life can sometimes throw me a curve ball right in the nuts but I gotta get up and keep going. So I’m getting back to living life to the fullest as much as I possibly can. Well, my California state ID came in the mail and I’m like wow, I’ve been in California for nearly three years and I finally went out to get my cali id. Of course I had to get a new id because my Maryland state id expired on the same day I fought Norton, April 30th and from April til lateJuly I went around town in Fresno with an invalid ID I even got away with buying beer and alcohol without an invalid ID and because most people in California never seen a Maryland ID they just check my birthday and move along.

Jul 26

There’s nothing else on my walls except for my goals.

Jul 07
Happy 4th

Happy 4th

Jul 06

The Water is Murky

So I come back to Fresno and I’m pissed but glad to be back in my room even without a bed I was still glad to sleep on MY floor, in MY apartment. I never really discussed how I felt about NC aborting the mission and heading back to Fresno but I figured what the hell? I’m back, I’m in my place whatever. Independence Day comes around and I have no clue what to do or where to go so I stay in and eat chips n dip and drink a 12 pack all by myself. I blast my music to have a one man party and then I bought a bottle of Amsterdam which took the night into a better domain. The next day I went to explore Fresno. I caught the bus downtown and took a few pictures, next I went to the barber shop, went to the movies, and then hit the mall to buy a new pair of chucks. It felt good to treat myself. I didn’t see the fireworks or anything like that I didn’t even buy fireworks. No bbq, no beaches, no parties just me and in the end its ok because I have me and only me. I know I’ll make new friends and all but at the time I appreciated my alone time. So MC was called to come back to Watsonville to work again and he asked me to come along. I hesitated of course but since I’m not working in Fresno yet I needed the money so I agreed to go along. I had no idea what to expect this time around but I didn’t care I’m doing this for me. It was only for a few days and we stayed at a motel and everything was paid for. Everything was fine until one day we just got into it. It started over something small but of course after that the levee broke and we had a great argument on our hands. We both were pounding beers before the beef so when I started I may have been a little too hype, a little too loud and MC said he “don’t wanna get into a yelling match with me” I denied I was yelling but maybe I was but my whole case was his attitude. He was being a dick for quite some time and I didn’t say anything for a while and now was the time to address it. We got into about rent, food, money, all kinds of dumb shit. My core problem is this I didn’t travel cross country on a bus to be here and kiss ya ass. I felt I wasn’t getting respect. Up until this point I kinda got tired of him and his high horse. I bust my ass everyday and not once has he given me credit, a thank you, keep up the good work, thanks for coming in, or anything like that. I brought that up and how I felt about him leaving me in Watsonville the last time. I was just giving him my perspective on things. After I said my piece I told him I’m not holding any grudges, or crucifying him I just needed him to know where I’m coming from and we shook hands and that was that. The last day of working in Watsonville we were riding back to Fresno he gave me a beer and said “thanks for coming out Alexx”.

I felt pain in my right testicle one day. I would try to walk but my lower back was killing me as well. I was walking like a little old man. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. A few days later I noticed that my right testicle was HUGE. Its swollen! Its like the size of a golf ball. At first it was pain then came the swelling. I was clueless and shocked. Then my mind started to wander….what if I have cancer? I have testicular cancer. This is it? This how I’m gonna go? I searched the internet to find out what could be the cause of this. Testicular cancer is curable thank God. In the meantime I’m gonna have to quit freaking out and guessing what it is I have to go to the hospital. Usually when I paid a visit to the doctor it was because of asthma. Growing up I had asthma really bad. It was like I couldn’t run and play like most kids it didn’t take much for me to catch an asthma attack at all. So I grew up never playing sports or anything athletic. So, I’m at the hospital and I go to get an ultrasound. This raven haired lady who gave me the ultrasound was very kind and gentle and with the low lighting, curtains pulled for privacy, no one else in the room, and this warm cream she poured on my testie kinda made the whole thing feel a little romantic. I tried not to look into her eyes so I wouldn’t get an erection. Which is hard (no pun intended) because I’m laying in the hospital bed no underwear, laying under thin sheets all of which is too comfortable. But of course I’m joking I was trying to bring humor into the situation because I was very concerned with what was going on with me. The cool part of the ultrasound was of course the sound my balls made…sounded like a panther. So what caused this? Why am I swollen? Well I’m back in the room waiting for the results. A volunteer from the chapel came into my room and we chatted for a while before we prayed. She wanted to know if I believed in Him and of course I do I was baptized the day after my senior prom. That was surprising to her because most young African Americans aren’t saved. So we prayed together and after the prayer we kept talking and I was pretty much laying back in the bed chillin, waiting patiently for the results and also trying to be polite to this woman she asked me “did they give you something or are you always this relaxed?” “I’m just relaxed.” The results came in and it appears that I have a uti….huh? Urinary Tract Infection that’s just beautiful. Playing around with dirty girls huh, Alexx? Oh wait, it gets even better because now I have to turn over in the bed and get a needle full of antibiotic in my ass cheek. I caught the bus to get to the hospital and so I’m now I’m walking to the bus stop with a sore ass cheek full of antibiotic. So I have meds to take the swelling down and its working and a few days after this event I find out that the job that was supposed to be available for me in Fresno isn’t gonna happen. So basically I’m broke and unemployed….again. New town, new apartment, looking for a new job. Gee, its just like starting over. I was pissed to hear MC tellinge.that I should look for another job because 1) when I asked him on two occasions should I look for another job he tried to reassure me that it was gonna work out 2) I’m not excited about looking for work because its like a job just looking for a job. You get up early look online, emailing your resume, filling out applications online, completing an hour long questionnaire, walking into any store, shop, restaurant, or anything you think would hire you and you do this all day and then you wake up the next day to do it all over again all the while you’re still broke, no groceries, and you’re wondering how are you gonna keep ya cell phone on for another month? The interesting part of this whole thing is that now that I’m unemployed MC now is separating things. Its now HIS food, when he buys beer he buys it for HIM while I’ll only have 2or 3 beers given to me, and when he smokes I get 2 or 3 puffs now. Funny, because in Watsonville I shared all of my beer with MC, I shared whatever food I had, if he wanted it, a piece, a slice, or half he was welcomed to it. I even went into my savings last month to buy some food, 2 beers, a Black & Mild for him, my friend MC and this is how I get treated? Its funny how things change how people change when you’re up and especially when you’re down. I didn’t think it would be like this. He knows my situation because he’s apart of the situation he was the one who invited me to Fresno and guaranteed me a job so the job fell through and now I gotta look for a job. At this point I see that I’m in Fresno by myself. He’s not helping me to find a job, I am. He’s not offering help like “hey if you wanna look for jobs you can use my laptop” (my laptop is broken), and he’s no longer sharing resources. So I never brought these things up because I see it for it truly is and I don’t need his help but from a so called friend standpoint what he’s doing and not doing speaks volumes to me. Example: He came home with a frozen pizza. I was in the living room chillin’ after a long hot day, he was in the kitchen heating his pizza. We were talking which rarely happens these days but we’re talking so I decide to get up and move to the kitchen so we can continue the conversation in the same room. The pizza is done he cuts a slice, comments on how good it is then he walks into the living room now….so now that I’m in the kitchen looking to continue the conversation he now has shut down and has nothing much to say as he’s stuffing his face with pizza and leaving out of the kitchen to be in the living room where i originally was. To me, in my mind he believed that I wanted his food and with his body language he wanted to show me that he’s not sharing and I wasn’t counting on it. When its me, when I have food I tell him and/or show him what I have that I will share and when I buy beer I tell him/show him that I bought beer which means “I bought US some beer”. Its funny because in Watsonville we shared a lot now that we’re in Fresno we don’t because I’m jobless and have nothing to share. Sometimes I’d rather sit in my room all day by myself. I won’t come out unless I have to use the bathroom. I’d rather sit on the floor (I dont have a bed yet) read books, listen to music and write songs. I don’t feel like being around MC sometimes he’s not fun to be around anymore he’s quiet these days and I feel like our talks are forced its not how we used to be where we laughed and joked about everything, bounced ideas off of each other, we hung out, smoked, drank, and repeat the cycle. Nowadays if he opens his mouth he complains about everything. He doesn’t like Fresno but like I told him ” you’re here for your fiance, the love of your life thats all that should matter”. To be honest I don’t know if I can trust him I honestly don’t trust anyone so I wanna keep to myself and work towards my goals and focus on number 1. When I believed he was my friend I had no problem being there to help and show support but things have changed and I’m confused about whats happening now. But the good news, the only good news I have right now is that I have mapped out what I want to do creatively. I’ve grown tired of searching for a band and musicians to work with some of them don’t share the mindset, passion, or vision that I have so I’m gonna truly do things my way. I wrote my goals to getting my music out on a sheet of paper and taped it to the wall (the only thing I have hanging up on my wall) its been some ups and downs since I’ve been in California I’ve been focused on saying afloat but I never lost sight of my dreams and I believe the hold up comes from me depending on others (a band) to get to the top. I’m looking or searching for a band, I’m not interested in a band right now I think a band isn’t for me at this point. I’m going get a new laptop and I’m gonna make my own music, my own sound, create my own flyers, make my own album art, start my own record label. I’m doing this on my own I can only depend on myself and I’m the only one that can stop me.
Jun 23

The slough

Back in Watsonville to help out at the facility.
Jun 12

Out and about in Fresno.

Jun 07
The first few items we put in the freezer.

The first few items we put in the freezer.

Jun 03

New place. New bull.

Eating “Cup of Noodles”, watching Netflix on the laptop, and staying at a Travel Lodge for 3 or 4 days was ok. It was a step up after entering that shit hole over the weekend. MC and I got the apartment and it was a nice spot. Wooden floors, I have a small cozy room and its close to convenient and liquor stores close by. This is the first apartment I’ve had where I signed a lease and moved in on the same day. In the past I was either never on the lease and was paying rent month to month or I signed the lease and moved into someone else’s unit. MC and I moved in together and it was the first time I traveled to a new city with someone I always traveled alone. This place don’t allow parties at night I’m sure I can have guests over to day drink. Watch me work. I went up the street to buy a few things for the apartment and I entered a store run by Muslims and as I was in the aisle looking for paper towels the lady asked “are you buying something?” She didn’t ask if I needed help finding something, that would’ve been a great way to make your costumer feel welcomed but no. Then I had to show my ID to prove that I owned my debit card which honestly, rarely if ever happened to me before. I can remember only showing ID with my debit card at the bank. So I will never shop there again. I have to say it hurts to be viewed as an animal everywhere I go.

One night MC went to work and since I had the place to myself but can’t have parties and I don’t know anyone I decided to check the bar out thats up the street. Its called “Whiskey Dicks” and as,soon I came in I was greeted by a friendly bartender named Nate and he hooked me up with screwdrivers and was really cool. It was a welcoming place I will be a regular for sure. The next day I caught the bus not knowing where its going but its a way for me to learn the bus routes. As I’m riding around town I didn’t see anything interesting or fun to do or see at the time and I felt bored. I thought maybe Fresno won’t be the right place for me and I might not like it. Anyway, I decided to get off and walk through the Tower District, browsing through record stores. One record store in particular gave me the strongest case of deja vu. I had a dream one night that I was looking through records and I look up at the pictures on the wall and I look to my right to see the posters up high in the store. Well that dream came back to me as I was doing the same exact thing at that moment that’s when I knew I was here in Fresno for a reason and that I’m meant to be here. That made my day. Well now that I’m in Fresno this is a fresh start. I live in a great apartment with my best friend so I’m living comfortably but I’m not working yet. Its been going on 3 weeks and I’m working. I’m not complaining because I needed a break from work but I have nothing to do and I don’t know any of my neighbors yet. MC is working and was out of town for a few days so I decided to write music. I wrote four songs that day,the first was “Set The World On Fire”, three of them were at night with me laying on the living room carpet with the black light on. The black light illuminated MCs paintings on the wall and to add a little more mood I brought my candle out of my room, lit it, and wrote songs in front of the light of the candle. “Summer Luv”, “Situationship”, and “See Me 2nite”. I also sent out an ad looking for guitarists. I’ve been in California for almost three years and I never gotten pass meeting and jamming with musicians. Let’s see how my luck pans out here in Fresno. Even though it was Friday the 13th I got lucky. I met this girl online. Just thought I’d try my luck and see what would happen. We’ll call her Mary and she came over to my new apartment and we had a great time; hot and sweaty. She was a lot of fun. How about that? I’ve been in Fresno for two to three weeks and had a nice girl come through the door. I have to get this out but I’m so tired of people calling me Lenny Kravitz Wiz Khalifa and Jimi Hendrix. I’m not them I’m me. I don’t walk up to people and call them anything except their name because I treat people the way I want to be treated and that’s with respect. I have nothing against those artists but I feel as though that I heard enough and I lost my sense of humor about it and you will address me as Alexx. I’m also tired of silly questions about my hair. Its hair! No you can’t touch it! I don’t ask touch your hair because I don’t care to. I’m sure my hair makes me a target for ignorant people asking and saying stupid things to me but at this point I’ve had enough and I’m flipping out on anyone who shits something out their word hole. I’m not okay with your so called liberal mind but whole time you’re a racist, bigot, idiot. I’m also tired of white people who feel oh so comfortable with saying nigga around me. I’ve never dealt with that back east so coming to California and experiencing being called a nigger took me by surprise and for white people to say “wassup my nigga” like thats supposed to impress me really fuckin annoys me and I’m ready to explode. I don’t want to be an asshole or a dick but I’ve had enough. Its not a joke and its not funny to me at ALL. I’m getting annoyed with MC saying negative things about the apartment complex as if he thinks he’s too good to live here. He likes to call the place ghetto but as I look around I don’t see ghetto. I lived in the ghetto and this is not ghetto. Just because he sees blacks and Latinos I guess that makes it ghetto we’ll I think that’s a fucked up thing to say and I’m not going to sit and hear him talk trash about this place because 1) he’s rarely here. He’s either at work or with his fiance 2) you have no idea what ghetto is so his opinion should go up his ass. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. The other day he said “I’m surprised no one has tag graffiti around here. I guess no ones that creative.” I said “well you should be glad”. I know that if he saw graffiti around here where we live it would give him something else to talk about. He can’t say anything good about living in an apartment complex with other minorities. I’m not saying he’s racist or a bigot but I will say he’s an idiot and I’m gonna have straighten that shit out because I heard it one too many times “ghetto this” and “ghetto that” and its time I enlighten him. I grew up in a neighborhood full or drug dealers, helicopters flying around at night, the searchlight shining in my room waking me up at night, gun shots going off in the middle of the night, crackheads running around trying to steal for a fix, fights and all. I’ve seen it, I’ve been there and got out and came to sunny California moved in with a country bumpkin who loves Rap and Reggae, who Raps and freestyles but yet believes he’s too good for the “ghetto” and that’s my problem with him. Honestly, this place isn’t ghetto. Its nothing but beautiful families outside playing in the pool together, playing on the monkey bars together, no fights, no arguments, no gang activity, no ones rude or disrespectful (at least not to me), and at night I can sleep in peace because there’s no break ins, or robberies. When I was a kid my house was robbed. My parents were robbed at gun point while my brother and I were sound asleep. I used to live in a neighborhood where people never paid their gas and electric bill so they would tap into other neighbors electricity. My brother and I were in high school. We both heard someone on the roof in the middle of the night so we got up, I grabbed the bat, we went out into the backyard and we made those junkies got off of our roof stealing our electricity. MC doesn’t have to worry about that, he never did and probably never will. But I did. There were nights where I was worried if some dumb ass junkie was gonna start an electrical fire on my roof trying to steal my family’s electricity. Yes, Fresno has gangs, yes Fresno can be a tough place to be but where MC and I reside its peaceful. The hardest thing is feeling what I feel and I call up my family but with the time zones its hard to get in touch with them. I want to talk to them when my minutes are free after 9pm but its midnight over east so it can be tough. MC was called to return to Watsonville to help out at the facility for two weeks. I agreed to go along to help him out. We stayed at his friends house and during the first few days there I was still holding on to the stupid comment MC said about the place since the day we left for Watsonville. So for a few days I had that issue bottled up because for some reason I didn’t want to get into it while we’re in his friends house. I tried to bury it but I couldn’t. We still drank and smoked together but the awkward energy in the room was obvious. So one day I expressed my liking of the new apartment, pointing out the positives about the place. MC said nothing but a burp. I got that off of my chest, he heard me out, and now I’m good. But then MC decided to leave for the weekend with no intentions to return the following week for in Watsonville. I saw it as a dick move. We came here together to work and we were supposed to leave together and besides he was called to come back not me so I shouldn’t feel obligated to stay and work. Yes, I will get paid and speaking of which I was supposed to get paid on Thursday but I didn’t get my money until..I hate that it wasn’t my idea to come to work in Watsonville.I came to support my friend MC be there for him to lend a helping hand and for him to basically ditch me was a little messed up. He didn’t like how thongs turned out for him there. They messed up his check, mine too. He didn’t wanna be in Watsonville, me either. He has money to catch a bus back to Fresno, I don’t. He can leave at a drop of a hat but I can’t because I’m scheduled to work. It would be the same thing if I brought him to Baltimore with me then I catch a plane back to California by myself and leaving him behind. I’m gonna stop bitching because Ben lives near this beautiful slough near his house. When I’m buzzed I walk down by the slough and just mellow out. I sit and get stoned with Ben’s son Brock and watch him play video games on XBox 360. Ben had new roommates move in during the weekend I was staying there and they wanted to paint the house and sleep on the couch until the paint dries. I slept on the couch and Ben thought I was leaving when MC left so for a second, yeah, shit got awkward because I have no cash for a hotel or motel and I don’t know anyone I can stay with but Ben assured me everything will fine. When the roommates came I helped paint their room and helped them move some of their stuff into their new room. I got to know them a little bit and they’re my kind of people fun and down to Earth. I got along with everyone. Ben’s new roommates had cooked spaghetti one night and wanted Ben, Brock, and I to eat together at the table. Ben comes down to the table wearing a Rolling Stones Tshirt and wearing a leather jacket telling us that he’s wearing his dinner jacket. Before he sits down though he wants to tell us that he didn’t know how to be a good father or mother. He worked hard all of his life to provide for his son Brock who’s sitting next me and as stoned as I am and wondering where is this speech coming from? Ok, so we all dig in without saying grace because we felt that Ben wouldn’t want to so we begin eating spaghetti then after Ben sits at the head of the table he goes into saying grace. Everyone’s bowing their heads and chewing garlic bread. As spaghetti night progresses Brock gets up from the table and Ben gets on Brocks case about it “wait, you don’t get up from the table without saying excuse me.” I kept drinking out of my bottled water hoping it was beer. I even got up and went in the frige to look for a beer. I excused myself. All in all nothing crazy, wild, or out of line took place. It was a great night with great people. People I never really been around and just meeting and getting to know. Remember, MC knows Ben not me I only met him three times back when I was living with Norton. Ben and Brock have been very kind to me during my stay there and I had a great time there.
Jun 03

On the road again

May 31

My motel room after I moved to Fresno.