So I come back to Fresno and I’m pissed but glad to be back in my room even without a bed I was still glad to sleep on MY floor, in MY apartment. I never really discussed how I felt about NC aborting the mission and heading back to Fresno but I figured what the hell? I’m back, I’m in my place whatever.
Independence Day comes around and I have no clue what to do or where to go so I stay in and eat chips n dip and drink a 12 pack all by myself. I blast my music to have a one man party and then I bought a bottle of Amsterdam which took the night into a better domain. The next day I went to explore Fresno. I caught the bus downtown and took a few pictures, next I went to the barber shop, went to the movies, and then hit the mall to buy a new pair of chucks. It felt good to treat myself. I didn’t see the fireworks or anything like that I didn’t even buy fireworks. No bbq, no beaches, no parties just me and in the end its ok because I have me and only me. I know I’ll make new friends and all but at the time I appreciated my alone time.
So MC was called to come back to Watsonville to work again and he asked me to come along. I hesitated of course but since I’m not working in Fresno yet I needed the money so I agreed to go along. I had no idea what to expect this time around but I didn’t care I’m doing this for me. It was only for a few days and we stayed at a motel and everything was paid for. Everything was fine until one day we just got into it. It started over something small but of course after that the levee broke and we had a great argument on our hands. We both were pounding beers before the beef so when I started I may have been a little too hype, a little too loud and MC said he “don’t wanna get into a yelling match with me” I denied I was yelling but maybe I was but my whole case was his attitude. He was being a dick for quite some time and I didn’t say anything for a while and now was the time to address it. We got into about rent, food, money, all kinds of dumb shit. My core problem is this I didn’t travel cross country on a bus to be here and kiss ya ass. I felt I wasn’t getting respect. Up until this point I kinda got tired of him and his high horse. I bust my ass everyday and not once has he given me credit, a thank you, keep up the good work, thanks for coming in, or anything like that. I brought that up and how I felt about him leaving me in Watsonville the last time. I was just giving him my perspective on things. After I said my piece I told him I’m not holding any grudges, or crucifying him I just needed him to know where I’m coming from and we shook hands and that was that. The last day of working in Watsonville we were riding back to Fresno he gave me a beer and said “thanks for coming out Alexx”.
I felt pain in my right testicle one day. I would try to walk but my lower back was killing me as well. I was walking like a little old man. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. A few days later I noticed that my right testicle was HUGE. Its swollen! Its like the size of a golf ball. At first it was pain then came the swelling. I was clueless and shocked. Then my mind started to wander….what if I have cancer? I have testicular cancer. This is it? This how I’m gonna go? I searched the internet to find out what could be the cause of this. Testicular cancer is curable thank God. In the meantime I’m gonna have to quit freaking out and guessing what it is I have to go to the hospital. Usually when I paid a visit to the doctor it was because of asthma. Growing up I had asthma really bad. It was like I couldn’t run and play like most kids it didn’t take much for me to catch an asthma attack at all. So I grew up never playing sports or anything athletic. So, I’m at the hospital and I go to get an ultrasound. This raven haired lady who gave me the ultrasound was very kind and gentle and with the low lighting, curtains pulled for privacy, no one else in the room, and this warm cream she poured on my testie kinda made the whole thing feel a little romantic. I tried not to look into her eyes so I wouldn’t get an erection. Which is hard (no pun intended) because I’m laying in the hospital bed no underwear, laying under thin sheets all of which is too comfortable. But of course I’m joking I was trying to bring humor into the situation because I was very concerned with what was going on with me. The cool part of the ultrasound was of course the sound my balls made…sounded like a panther.
So what caused this? Why am I swollen? Well I’m back in the room waiting for the results. A volunteer from the chapel came into my room and we chatted for a while before we prayed. She wanted to know if I believed in Him and of course I do I was baptized the day after my senior prom. That was surprising to her because most young African Americans aren’t saved. So we prayed together and after the prayer we kept talking and I was pretty much laying back in the bed chillin, waiting patiently for the results and also trying to be polite to this woman she asked me “did they give you something or are you always this relaxed?” “I’m just relaxed.” The results came in and it appears that I have a uti….huh? Urinary Tract Infection that’s just beautiful. Playing around with dirty girls huh, Alexx? Oh wait, it gets even better because now I have to turn over in the bed and get a needle full of antibiotic in my ass cheek. I caught the bus to get to the hospital and so I’m now I’m walking to the bus stop with a sore ass cheek full of antibiotic. So I have meds to take the swelling down and its working and a few days after this event I find out that the job that was supposed to be available for me in Fresno isn’t gonna happen. So basically I’m broke and unemployed….again. New town, new apartment, looking for a new job. Gee, its just like starting over.
I was pissed to hear MC tellinge.that I should look for another job because 1) when I asked him on two occasions should I look for another job he tried to reassure me that it was gonna work out
2) I’m not excited about looking for work because its like a job just looking for a job. You get up early look online, emailing your resume, filling out applications online, completing an hour long questionnaire, walking into any store, shop, restaurant, or anything you think would hire you and you do this all day and then you wake up the next day to do it all over again all the while you’re still broke, no groceries, and you’re wondering how are you gonna keep ya cell phone on for another month? The interesting part of this whole thing is that now that I’m unemployed MC now is separating things. Its now HIS food, when he buys beer he buys it for HIM while I’ll only have 2or 3 beers given to me, and when he smokes I get 2 or 3 puffs now. Funny, because in Watsonville I shared all of my beer with MC, I shared whatever food I had, if he wanted it, a piece, a slice, or half he was welcomed to it. I even went into my savings last month to buy some food, 2 beers, a Black & Mild for him, my friend MC and this is how I get treated? Its funny how things change how people change when you’re up and especially when you’re down. I didn’t think it would be like this. He knows my situation because he’s apart of the situation he was the one who invited me to Fresno and guaranteed me a job so the job fell through and now I gotta look for a job.
At this point I see that I’m in Fresno by myself. He’s not helping me to find a job, I am. He’s not offering help like “hey if you wanna look for jobs you can use my laptop” (my laptop is broken), and he’s no longer sharing resources. So I never brought these things up because I see it for it truly is and I don’t need his help but from a so called friend standpoint what he’s doing and not doing speaks volumes to me. Example: He came home with a frozen pizza. I was in the living room chillin’ after a long hot day, he was in the kitchen heating his pizza. We were talking which rarely happens these days but we’re talking so I decide to get up and move to the kitchen so we can continue the conversation in the same room. The pizza is done he cuts a slice, comments on how good it is then he walks into the living room now….so now that I’m in the kitchen looking to continue the conversation he now has shut down and has nothing much to say as he’s stuffing his face with pizza and leaving out of the kitchen to be in the living room where i originally was. To me, in my mind he believed that I wanted his food and with his body language he wanted to show me that he’s not sharing and I wasn’t counting on it. When its me, when I have food I tell him and/or show him what I have that I will share and when I buy beer I tell him/show him that I bought beer which means “I bought US some beer”. Its funny because in Watsonville we shared a lot now that we’re in Fresno we don’t because I’m jobless and have nothing to share. Sometimes I’d rather sit in my room all day by myself. I won’t come out unless I have to use the bathroom. I’d rather sit on the floor (I dont have a bed yet) read books, listen to music and write songs. I don’t feel like being around MC sometimes he’s not fun to be around anymore he’s quiet these days and I feel like our talks are forced its not how we used to be where we laughed and joked about everything, bounced ideas off of each other, we hung out, smoked, drank, and repeat the cycle. Nowadays if he opens his mouth he complains about everything. He doesn’t like Fresno but like I told him ” you’re here for your fiance, the love of your life thats all that should matter”. To be honest I don’t know if I can trust him I honestly don’t trust anyone so I wanna keep to myself and work towards my goals and focus on number 1. When I believed he was my friend I had no problem being there to help and show support but things have changed and I’m confused about whats happening now.
But the good news, the only good news I have right now is that I have mapped out what I want to do creatively. I’ve grown tired of searching for a band and musicians to work with some of them don’t share the mindset, passion, or vision that I have so I’m gonna truly do things my way. I wrote my goals to getting my music out on a sheet of paper and taped it to the wall (the only thing I have hanging up on my wall) its been some ups and downs since I’ve been in California I’ve been focused on saying afloat but I never lost sight of my dreams and I believe the hold up comes from me depending on others (a band) to get to the top. I’m looking or searching for a band, I’m not interested in a band right now I think a band isn’t for me at this point. I’m going get a new laptop and I’m gonna make my own music, my own sound, create my own flyers, make my own album art, start my own record label. I’m doing this on my own I can only depend on myself and I’m the only one that can stop me.