Alexx Arson

Sep 18
So bored that I’m walking down the street balancing myself on the white line. Cars flying by as I entertain myself on a concrete tightrope.

So bored that I’m walking down the street balancing myself on the white line. Cars flying by as I entertain myself on a concrete tightrope.

Sep 17

Saw a dude on the bus today that looked like…well, The Dude so when I went home a bought a White Russian. Today was a Dude Day.

Sep 11

Here we go again. Same Ol shit every place I go. I swear its like Chico all over again. No work,no money, low on food. All im eating these days is rice with ketchup. I can’t take this place what the hell is going on? I’m always the bad guy. I don’t blame anyone but this fuckin economy. Its hard to find a job and a job that pays well. Wish music was my job but no, I’m in Fresno with rotten luck. Its always something huh? Sometimes it tough for me to see pictures of my family on social media because Im missing out and I miss them so much i havent been home for three years. But hey it’ll all work out soon My day will come but I think I’m done with California though. I’m seriously thinking about vegas.

MC and I are still quiet we don’t talk much at all. A part of me wants to try to get along but the other side is like Fuck it. I mean this is what he started he started this off with giving me the cold shoulder so now I’m returning the favor it is what it is. I guess this gonna end our friendship. One day I saw that MC bought a 12 pack of Rolling Rock and I helped myself to 4 of those beers just to see what he’ll do or say. Well, he responded and we went into this big argument. He believes that I’m laying around doing nothing all day and just letting him carry me with the rent that was his point of view which was bullshit and I told him so. He has no clue that I walk all over town to look for work and walk 4 miles to the nearest library everyday and no I’m not sitting around all day I come in the house hours after he comes home from work. So if he’s been working for 8 hours then I’ve been looking and searching for work for the same amount of time and doing it all on foot. So it was agreed that I should get my old job back in Chico. I was excited to go back to Chico and to get my old job back I was glad to leave Chico because I only saw nothing but trouble for me there. After MC and I had that beef he made some calls and got me a ticket to go to Chico. Then two days later I came home around 8pm or so and he said—after watching a movie and I was washing my dishes in the sink— “I thought that was a dick move that you drunk my last beer” ( MC bought another 12 pack of beer and was referring to that case of beer) I just came home how in the hell did I drink your beer? I can’t teleport, what the hell is wrong with this dude? He had to be joking and come to find out he was but it was a fucked up joke I don’t think he’s so funny anymore. I remember going to my room and trying to make myself go to sleep because I didn’t want to go apeshit but I was too pissed off to lay down so I went outside and my phone is off so I can’t call anyone so I’m angry and I wanna destroy something. I looked down and saw his beer bottle on the ground outside of the front door where he throws away his cigarette butts I picked up the bottle and I smashed it outside of his bedroom window and I sat on the curb in the parking lot just fuming. I eventually calmed down and went back inside. So I was prepared to leave the next day which was planned but MC wanted me to catch the next train in the morning so we can kick it beer and pot which was pretty cool I don’t know what planet that weed came from but we were super stoned and had a few beers and I cranked up the music which made my neighbors hang out front of my apartment dancing and having a good time. I took a good look at my neighbors and found out that they were in high school and I thought it would be great that every neighborhood had a guy like me on the block, a surrogate big brother to keep it real with them and coach them. MC and I rapped about the beef we had and he wanted us to leave on good terms. He said he didn’t wanna talk before because he knew how my situation and struggle was and I told him that he could’ve talked to me about it anyway and there were times where I tried to get the conversation going but he never talked about it. So I took his silence as a negative and in return I didn’t talk to him.

Sep 08
I was looking up at the clouds listening to music and feeling confident about fixing my situation.

I was looking up at the clouds listening to music and feeling confident about fixing my situation.

Sep 02

Hanging out at a Raiders fundraiser

Aug 01

My Day Will Come

Well, my California state ID came in the mail and I’m like wow, I’ve been in California for nearly three years and I finally went out to get my cali id. Of course I had to get a new id because my Maryland state id expired on the same day I fought Norton, April 30th and from April til late July I went around town in Fresno with an invalid ID I even got away with buying beer and alcohol without an valid ID and because most people in California never seen a Maryland ID they just check my birthday and move along. So since I’m unemployed I filed for unemployment and food stamps its like I’m starting all over again. I hang out at the park and read, hang out at the library filling out job applications, I ride the bus all over town because I have nothing else to do. Thats what I did back in Chico and I feel that I need to leave Fresno asap! I was at the park kickin it with some dudes that noticed that I usually chill at the park often reading a book. So as we’re sitting at the park bench table smoking a blunt this guy comes over to chill for a second to talk to Keon one of the guys I’m smoking with. Keon asks the guy if he wanna smoke with us and the guy decline because he had to write a paper on african american history for his class. For the first time ever I kinda saw myself as a loser. The crew I was smoking with consisted of a gang banger, a drug dealer, a homeless guy my age, and me I’m unemployed kickin’ it with them. Yeah I gotta leave Fresno nothings happening here. I’m no better than them but I felt scared that my life wasnt headed anywhere. I’m not where I imagined myself being or doing what I imagined myself doing. But I say to myself “my day will come” reminding myself that I will rise up again and everything will work out. My day will come.

Jul 26

There’s nothing else on my walls except for my goals.

Jul 07
Happy 4th

Happy 4th

Jul 06

The Water is Murky

So I come back to Fresno and I’m pissed but glad to be back in my room even without a bed I was still glad to sleep on MY floor, in MY apartment. I never really discussed how I felt about NC aborting the mission and heading back to Fresno but I figured what the hell? I’m back, I’m in my place whatever. Independence Day comes around and I have no clue what to do or where to go so I stay in and eat chips n dip and drink a 12 pack all by myself. I blast my music to have a one man party and then I bought a bottle of Amsterdam which took the night into a better domain. The next day I went to explore Fresno. I caught the bus downtown and took a few pictures, next I went to the barber shop, went to the movies, and then hit the mall to buy a new pair of chucks. It felt good to treat myself. I didn’t see the fireworks or anything like that I didn’t even buy fireworks. No bbq, no beaches, no parties just me and in the end its ok because I have me and only me. I know I’ll make new friends and all but at the time I appreciated my alone time. So MC was called to come back to Watsonville to work again and he asked me to come along. I hesitated of course but since I’m not working in Fresno yet I needed the money so I agreed to go along. I had no idea what to expect this time around but I didn’t care I’m doing this for me. It was only for a few days and we stayed at a motel and everything was paid for. Everything was fine until one day we just got into it. It started over something small but of course after that the levee broke and we had a great argument on our hands. We both were pounding beers before the beef so when I started I may have been a little too hype, a little too loud and MC said he “don’t wanna get into a yelling match with me” I denied I was yelling but maybe I was but my whole case was his attitude. He was being a dick for quite some time and I didn’t say anything for a while and now was the time to address it. We got into about rent, food, money, all kinds of dumb roommate shit. My core problem is this I didn’t travel cross country on a bus to be here and kiss ya ass, King Adam. I felt I wasn’t getting respect. Up until this point I kinda got tired of him and his high horse because I bust my ass everyday and not once has he given me credit, a thank you, keep up the good work, thanks for coming in, or anything like that. So I brought that up and how I felt about him abandoning the ship and leaving me in Watsonville the last time. I was just giving him my perspective on things. After I said my piece I told him I’m not holding any grudges, or crucifying him I just needed him to know where I’m coming from and we shook hands and that was that. The last day of working in Watsonville we were riding back to Fresno he gave me a beer and said “thanks for coming out Alexx”.

I felt pain in my right testicle one day. I would try to walk but my lower back was killing me as well. I was walking like a little old man. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. A few days later I noticed that my right testicle was HUGE. Its swollen! Its like the size of a golf ball. At first it was pain then came the swelling. I was clueless and shocked. Then my mind started to wander….what if I have cancer? I have testicular cancer. This is it? This how I’m gonna go? I searched the internet to find out what could be the cause of this. Testicular cancer is curable thank God. In the meantime I’m gonna have to quit freaking out and guessing what it is I have to go to the hospital. Usually when I paid a visit to the doctor it was because of asthma. Growing up I had asthma really bad. It was like I couldn’t run and play like most kids it didn’t take much for me to catch an asthma attack at all. So I grew up never playing sports or anything athletic. So, I’m at the hospital and I go to get an ultrasound. This raven haired lady who gave me the ultrasound was very kind and gentle and with the low lighting, curtains pulled for privacy, no one else in the room, and this warm cream she poured on my testie kinda made the whole thing feel a little romantic. I tried not to look into her eyes so I wouldn’t get an erection. Which is hard (no pun intended) because I’m laying in the hospital bed no underwear, laying under thin sheets all of which is too comfortable. But of course I’m joking I was trying to bring humor into the situation because I was very concerned with what was going on with me. The cool part of the ultrasound was of course the sound my balls made…sounded like a panther. So what caused this? Why am I swollen? Well I’m back in the room waiting for the results. A volunteer from the chapel came into my room and we chatted for a while before we prayed. She wanted to know if I believed in God and of course I do I was baptized the day after my senior prom. That was surprising to her because “most young African Americans aren’t saved”. That was strange because back home I knew plenty of kids my age who are saved. Well, we prayed together and after the prayer we kept talking and I was pretty much laying back in the bed chillin, waiting patiently for the results and also trying to be polite to this woman she asked me “did they give you something or are you always this relaxed?” “I’m just relaxed.” The results came in and it appears that I have a uti….huh? Urinary Tract Infection that’s just beautiful. Playing around with dirty girls huh, Alexx? Oh wait, it gets even better because now I have to turn over in the bed and get a needle full of antibiotic in my ass cheek. I caught the bus to get to the hospital and so I’m now I’m walking to the bus stop with a sore ass cheek full of antibiotic. So I have meds to take the swelling down and its working and a few days after this event I find out that the job that was supposed to be available for me in Fresno isn’t gonna happen. So basically I’m broke and unemployed….again. New town, new apartment, looking for a new job. Gee, its just like starting over. I was a little pissed to hear MC told me that I should look for another job because 1) when I asked him on two occasions should I look for another job he tried to reassure me that it was gonna work out 2) I;m not excited about looking for work because its like a job just looking for a job. You get up early look online, emailing your resume, filling out applications online, completing an hour long questionnaire, walking into any store, shop, restaurant, or anything you think would hire you and you do this all day and then you wake up the next day to do it all over again all the while you’re still broke, no groceries, and you’re wondering how are you gonna keep ya cell phone on for another month? The interesting part of this whole thing is that now that I’m unemployed MC suddenly now is separating things. Its now HIS food, when he buys beer he buys it for HIM— funny, because in Watsonville I shared all of my beer with MC, I shared whatever food I had, if he wanted it, a piece, a slice, or half he was welcomed to it. I even went into my savings last month to buy some food for us, 2 beers for us, and a Black & Mild for him, my friend MC. Oh well, Its funny how things change how people change when you’re up and especially when you’re down. I didn’t think it would be like this. He knows my situation because he’s apart of the situation he was the one who invited me to Fresno and guaranteed me a job so the job fell through and now I gotta look for a job. At this point I see that I’m in Fresno by myself. He’s not helping me to find a job, I am. He’s not offering help like “hey if you wanna look for jobs you can use my laptop” (my laptop is broken I go to the library instead), and he’s no longer sharing resources. So I never brought these things up because I see it for what it is and I don’t need his help but from a friend standpoint what he’s doing and not doing is pretty fucked up to me but hey, whatever but just to point out that when its me, when I have food I tell him and/or show him what I have that I will share and when I buy beer I tell him/show him that I bought beer which means “I bought US some beer”. Its funny because in Watsonville we shared a lot now that we’re in Fresno we don’t because I’m jobless and have nothing to share. Sometimes I’d rather stay in my room or hang out at the library, or chill at the park and read all day. Sometimes I’d rather sit on the floor (I dont have a bed yet) read books, listen to music and write songs. I don’t feel like being around MC sometimes he’s not fun to be around anymore he’s a drag these days. Its not as tight as we used to be where we laughed and joked about everything, bounced ideas off of each other, we hung out, smoked, drank, and did all of that the next day. What the hell? I guess I’m the roommate from hell, huh? But the good news, the only good news I have right now is that I have mapped out what I want to do creatively. I’ve grown tired of searching for a band and musicians to work with some of them don’t share the mindset, passion, or vision that I have so I’m gonna truly do things my way. I wrote my goals to getting my music out on a sheet of paper and taped it to the wall (the only thing I have hanging up on my wall) its been some ups and downs since I’ve been in California I’ve been focused on saying afloat but I never lost sight of my dreams and I believe the hold up comes from me depending on others (a band) to get to the top. I’m looking or searching for a band, I’m not interested in a band right now I think a band isn’t for me at this point. I’m going get a new laptop and I’m gonna make my own music, my own sound, create my own flyers, make my own album art, start my own record label. I’m doing this on my own I can only depend on myself and I’m the only one that can stop me.
Jun 23

The slough

Back in Watsonville to help out at the facility.